My impressions on my last week in Armenia

I wish that I had never come here... Yes, you will be surprised to read this but this is my feelings in this moment when I'm thinking that I have been left with only few days on this land.

I wish that I have stayed in my "Home" far away in the diaspora where I was happy with what I have and satisfied with my life, my dreams and my reasons for being an Armenian there. I will be leaving next week on a day just like this day but everything in my life has changed just if I have woken up today as a different person.

I don't know why I'm returning back to the lands where my grandparents were forced to walk as a refugees escaping from the genocide, looking for another life...I'm feeling that my life started here now and I don't want to repeat the genocide in me again...I feel that part of me is still standing up in the mountains looking to the blue sky and feeling the safety of standing on those solid rocks, I feel part of my soul is still inside that old church waiting to light a candle, I still feel my feet touching the soil under Lake Sevan and more and more I'm still remembering myself as a child singing with my loudest voice "I'm the grandson of Vartan".

Nor the tears will help, neither the miracle will come from the sky, I know that...we as Armenians are always left to our destiny and therefore we are always in a fight with our surroundings at least in order to keep our "Armenianness" alive. I wish I can end this life long fight right now and come to live here in peace as an Armenian, but what is preventing me today is the same thing that attracting me to this land. It's even hard to me to understand this but now I'm standing on a 2 way road trying to figure out which way will lead me to the land where my grandparents wanted to live.

During this, my host mother with whom I have stayed for about 8 weeks by now came to my room to apologize to me (Please regret me my dear for mentioning this in my notes without your prior notice), just because she can't serve me cookies and sweets for breakfast because I know that she can't afford to buy them. But on the other hand, how I can be thankful to you for providing me a warm home and a loving family for as low as $6 per day which is certainly much less than the meaning of the fruits dish which you bring by yourself to my room. To my host brother and sister, thank you very much for being as close to my heart as my "harazads", and to my cute and lovely 6 month old host nephew, I will never forget your big smile in my face and your welcoming song whenever you see me in the home. Finally, to my host father and grandfather, I'm really appreciating the large amount of information which you gave me about Armenia and the inner situation there.

I wish to say at the end to the great volunteers with whom I shared many unforgettable moments during these past 8 weeks, please don't repeat the genocide in you again. At least don't let part of you standing there on the hill near the Charents arch watching mount Ararad but give me your hand and let all of us join our shredded parts together and walk toward this holy mountain. Together my brothers and sisters we are strong and together we are the kings of our lands, we are proudly called Armenians.

Hagop Cutujian (Syria)
Birthright Armenian Volunteer, 2006