How Armenia Makes Me Feel

Truthfully, I'm scared to fall in love with Armenia. An overwhelming concept, being in love with something you don't understand. This emotion is only felt with the heart and not understood by the mind. It's the Armenian blood that runs through me, through my heart, which tells me being here is a good thing despite my uncertainty. This experience is happening and it's real.

I arrived in Armenia for the first time six weeks after being given the opportunity to do volunteer work through Birthright Armenia and Armenian Volunteer Corps. Never did I expect to find so much here.

My love for this place, still so foreign to me, keeps growing. When you love someone you love them for who they are: their good and their bad. It works the same way with Armenia. I'm not blinded by the good, I see the bad: the corruption, the struggles, and the inequality. Yet still the love continues to cultivate.

I admit however I wasn't prepared for the paradox Armenia confronted me with. For the first time I felt detached and unacquainted with the culture that has saturated my upbringing. A culture I thought I'd immediately feel connected to but now find myself isolated from. Whether a Diaspora or a local Armenian, we share the same title as a people but there is much disparity that divides us.

Having spent their whole lives on this soil, native Armenians are so entrenched in our history, bearing so much of the recent hardships Armenians faced. They have seen so much; their eyes tell us. Eyes are windows to our soul. Hye achker: piercing, deep and loud. They tell us so much yet stay so quiet, reserved. Have the loudest voice of all, yet can't heard.

Coming to Armenia has stripped me of my comfort zone. I am forced to see things outside the box. In Armenia I have to constantly remind myself I am the foreigner now. Here I've become vulnerable to my environment and all I can do to help myself is concede. When we're vulnerable we tend to learn at an accelerated rate to liberate ourselves from our current conditions.

So I begin asking questions: What are we as a people doing today to help ourselves? What did I do today to help make a difference? What are we going to do with this place our people call home.

And so here I am in Yerevan as a Birthright volunteer. I am compelled to do more with myself in Armenia. I exercise particular beliefs, while having revelations about others. As a result I experience emotions at new heights creating a complex answer for the question "how does Armenia makes me feel"?

How does Armenia make me feel? Challenged. I challenge my mind here, my body, my tongue, my world, nature, music, emotional boundaries, friendship and age. I feel more alive here, more then I've ever felt before.

My mind is always at work in Armenia. I constantly find myself asking and answering questions. I admit I'm mentally exhausted from all the new ideas and concepts Armenia constantly forces me to create. It's a beautiful thing when you realize so much in Armenia is a mental stimulant though. It's empowering how much you can do with your mind and what your mind can do to you.

My body is constantly in motion. Whether briskly walking down Yerevan's streets or dancing to a duduk, my body loses its inhibition. I've begun to feel myself from the inside out. I've developed a grove.

My tongue has been set free. I never thought I would speak broken Armenian so comfortably but my tongue has adopted etiquette of its own. When communicating with native Armenians I open my mouth not knowing how I will formulate my sentences. I mispronounce words and speak many in English but nonetheless my message is communicated. I walk away with a smile and so do they.

My world feels like a much smaller place now. I've met people from around the globe, Armenians and non-Armenians alike. Yerevan exhibits much economic, cultural and social diversity which has enabled me to learn about other cultures and ways of life. Connecting with such an array of people makes me realize, regardless of where we geographically come from, we all have the same fundamental needs.

Simply put, our homeland of Armenia is disgustingly gorgeous. Only after seeing Armenia's breathtaking landscapes did I begin to appreciate Mother Nature. Was it merely because Armenia is an exceptionally beautiful place that I never explored the beauty nature could offer before? Armenia's mountains, valleys, the trees and the vibrant colors of the fruit they bear are unlike anywhere else I know. Armenia's natural scenery has wallpapered my experience.

The music of Armenia is gratifying. Armenian musicians play their instruments with such ease, producing such elegantly engineered sounds. Our music is so tuneful, making it so effortless to appreciate. When I hear Armenian music I am reminded of how proud I am to be Armenian.

The boundaries of my emotions are constantly questioned. Armenia is the country of our people but my experiences here have taught me how much I don't yet understand about the natives, culture and the existing society. I find myself on an emotional rollercoaster dealing with frustration, dissatisfaction, shock, realization, fulfillment, and uncertainty.

For example, I ride my emotions constantly at Orran, my job site. Orran is an after school program for underprivileged children; underprivileged but so competent. Some children aren't motivated to learn; it wouldn't frustrate me if I didn't see how intelligent they were; their potential. It's difficult because even at my young age I've learned life doesn't get easier. All the opportunities we're given today that will make tomorrow a easier to get through we should take - especially in Armenia.

I have taken up the opportunities given to me here. I've networked with successful Diaspora, an international work force, Peace Corps volunteers, artists, musicians, dancers, composers, poets, other volunteers, activists, students and more notably, Armenian locals. Through all this, I've developed friendships in Armenia that will last a lifetime. Upon departing, how powerful it is to know I have friends that will be so hard to say goodbye to.

It's indescribable the extent to which this experience has enriched my life. All which I'm going through will manifest, contributing to the person I'm becoming, enabling me to grow into my true self. I am so grateful to Birthright and Armenian Volunteer Corp for making this life changing experience I've embarked upon possible.

I should be waking up in Rockville, Maryland today but I'm not nor will I for another month since I've extended my stay in Armenia. I don't know what I'm looking for, but I know Ill find it here.

Serli Hacikoglu (USA)
AVC volunteer and Birthright Armenia participant