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This time, the purpose of my visit to Armenia is somewhat
different from previous visits as a tourist; this factor
already suggests that a fresh enthusiasm should stir within.
What I never saw coming was the experiencing of mixed feelings
of guilt & accomplishment.
Leaving Lebanon,
family, & friends behind in a state of war aroused
a tremendous feeling of guilt. However, knowing that I
was going to Armenia to work as a volunteer somehow eased
my guilty state of mind. Volunteering seemed to be the
essential compromise between actually coming to Armenia & refraining
from the whole thing, since volunteering now turned into
a greater motivation force & a
basis of self actualization.
In the back
of my mind, Armenia has always been the place I would eventually
settle in, but living in Armenia would mean to actually work in Armenia
as any other Armenian citizen. Having seen Armenia through the eyes of a
tourist who only interacts with other diasporan-Armenian friends & acquaintances, & who
enjoys the richness of the cultural life that Armenia offers, the thought
of belonging to the working class & having to deal with social & economic
problems on daily basis, would naturally be a terrifying one, & would
render feelings of fear of disappointment & regret. Experiencing
such fears, I thought it was time to put an end to all
doubts by actually working in Armenia for a considerable
amount of time to see if I could handle it.
The short
time I spent in Armenia as an officially working class
representative; going to work every day, using public transportation rather
than taxis, & coming
home early to get enough sleep for the next day, has shown
me that previously experienced uncertainties & concerns were somewhat
pointless.
The feelings
of guilt have not entirely vanished, since the situation
in Lebanon seems to be getting more serious by the minute, & the hopes
of returning to Beirut anytime soon & recovering a normal lifestyle seem
to be diminishing, but as long as there’s the opportunity of doing something
good, there will be feelings of accomplishment to some extent. Thus, so far,
my experience in Armenia has been rather a special one, taking into consideration
the particular circumstances of departure & the uncertainties of the
future due to war. What started as a volunteer work may
eventually turn into making Armenia my permanent home.
Shogher Margossian (Lebanon),
AYLA volunteer and BR/DH participant
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